Thursday, July 8, 2010


There are two things that always successfully make me feel like crap. The first is when the people I am close to deliberately ignore me or treat me unfairly, the second is when I decide to formally speak up about it to them in letter-form. It makes me seem too concerned about little things and dependent on others, but I still haven't learnt how to deal with those kinds of situations properly so that's the only way I can think of.

In particular, a friend whom I've known for 3 years isn't responding to my e-mails about completing our work for a course for which we got an extension. That basically means I'm expected to finish it all on my own as I can't exactly sit around and twiddle my thumbs until I hear word from her and later use that as the excuse for not having handed in the work when the teacher asks about it.

In second particular, my mother just got back from an over a year-long hiatus from her life to try and start a new one in our country of origin with a man she met 20 years ago for a period of a few months. I won't go into details because then I would have to write a trilogy. It didn't work out.

Essentially, whatever was left here as her responsability became mine ontop of mine which included staying in her apartment and taking care of my younger brother while not raising suspicion and going to school. There was no phone or internet in her home and previously to my moving in my other (non-minor) younger brother was living there with two of his male friends who had no concept of house-keeping. Over-flowing garbage bags filled with maggots on balcony? check. Floor covered entirely with dirty construction clothing? check. Baby playing with a lighter? check. In its mouth? check.

I also had to go to court for her and was ostracized at school for being difficult too reach during group projects (like case #1 except I know she isn't dealing with an extreme situation and can communicate quite efficiently with her blackberry). I lost interest and confidence in school, activities and people, making for a very depressing and lonely scholastic year with a few glimmers here and there.

Despite going through all that, my mother criticized my inadequacy in being able to act like an adult before, during and after the whole ordeal and by constantly playing the guilt card.

I wrote both these people letters, one longer than the other but both containing the same sustenance. However now I am a bit regrettful, should I have just shut my mouth and bit my lip for a few more days until we all cooled down and things resolved by themselves?

How does an adult deal with these kind of situations..

That must be why I like crafting and art making so much, you create your own reality and the concept of time does not exist. Nothing else matters when I'm drawing, knitting, felting, practicing calligraphy, sewing conductive thread, upholstering, taking analog photographs, making books etc.. I can honeslty say I am the happiest when practicing these. Unlike other aspects of my life, they make me feel like there is hope.


  1. sometimes you have to cut people out of your life completely... I did that with my family five years ago and it's working very well for me.

    If you don't have the constitution for that, then you'll just have to deal with their abuse forever.

  2. psst. I feel you on so many levels here. lets hang out sometime? make awesomeness... I promise I'm no flake.

  3. You have a very wonderful talent, full of light. And I think you use it well, without waste. Keep expanding, like the universe. Things will be better.