a plan

the plan is to find a job and move out. then to find a better job and make dreams come true.

everyone looks for qualifications and diplomas, whatever happened to master-apprentice education. since years ago that sounded like the smartest thing in history.

Moments of clarity

It's funny how I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life at 19 but only realize it now. Wanting to make things and have a brand / store named after my cat, was something that made me so happy inside but seemed too silly of an idea to even concoct as a way of making a living. I was too busy then trying to rationalize digital art making as a career choice and contemplating loneliness at my grocery store job. I actually felt bad about my being when my supervisor made me stay overtime because I didn't clean my cash register counter properly. A few years later I learnt she was on leave due to a mental breakdown.

Rather then slowly moving up the emotional ladder so to speak I've been stuck at 0 on x and gradually made my way down the minuses on y. Looking back I can see it was a crucial time for independence and I should have forced my way out somewhere and found my own head. Although I've always been introspetive and contemplative it often reached the point of overanalyzation which is basically self-sabotage and is a perfect recipe for "too afraid to go anywhere, do anything. be anyone".

I don't think it's too late to do anything about that, yet.

Visual Design

Being creative is no joke. It's not an easy task to pull something out of nothing. The blank space is often daunting and you feel pressure for a moment about what exactly you're supposed to do with it.

To erase this fear I realized I needed to get back to basics, so I looked up a book that proved to be quite helpful in removing doubt or fear whence drawing in the past, this book is "Drawing on The Right Side of the Brain" by betty Edwards. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to learn about drawing from observation, it's worth any 6 credit university drawing course out there.

However another point of interest is composition and balance, for that I happily stumbled upon a book called "Visual Design: A Problem-Solving Approach" by Lillian Garrett. Hopefully this will help me make the kind of art that jumps out at you and makes you want a poster or print of it. Ha! If onlyyyy...

On the other hand, you know that millesecond before falling asleep? That's the only time when all of this crap is irrelevant and I master symphonies in my head and get all of the concept material I need for a lifetime. Sometimes I remember them, often I don't. Is there a term for that state? Right in between awake and asleep? Conscious and unconscious? Objective and subjective? Feet in the ground, head in the clouds?

Animate

Spent the whole day today re-organizing myself. For the last few days I screwed my sleeping pattern so badly that I was sleeping from 3pm to 9pm!!! I finally forced myself to stay up until 11pm and woke up nice and early.

I also cleaned up my youtube account, I had completely forgotten that I've had it for 4 years already and have posted quite a few videos throughout the years depending on the need/purpose, mainly for school to share in-process work with teachers and finsihed works.

Browsing through I realized that I've given up my interest in animation. I even had planned to apply for a minor in film animation when I was switching majors but picked Studio Arts instead (which I later removed as it was futile, I had used up all of my credits and would have to stay an extra year to complete art history credits).

That being said, I want to dust myself off and try again. I don't plan to be the most amazing animator out there but I want to build up a body of work that I can be proud of.

While practicing my calligraphy today I kept writing "nap" in cursive and non so I took a power nap. As usual I woke up blind, even more tired and grumpy.

lines

There are two things that always successfully make me feel like crap. The first is when the people I am close to deliberately ignore me or treat me unfairly, the second is when I decide to formally speak up about it to them in letter-form. It makes me seem too concerned about little things and dependent on others, but I still haven't learnt how to deal with those kinds of situations properly so that's the only way I can think of.

In particular, a friend whom I've known for 3 years isn't responding to my e-mails about completing our work for a course for which we got an extension. That basically means I'm expected to finish it all on my own as I can't exactly sit around and twiddle my thumbs until I hear word from her and later use that as the excuse for not having handed in the work when the teacher asks about it.

In second particular, my mother just got back from an over a year-long hiatus from her life to try and start a new one in our country of origin with a man she met 20 years ago for a period of a few months. I won't go into details because then I would have to write a trilogy. It didn't work out.

Essentially, whatever was left here as her responsability became mine ontop of mine which included staying in her apartment and taking care of my younger brother while not raising suspicion and going to school. There was no phone or internet in her home and previously to my moving in my other (non-minor) younger brother was living there with two of his male friends who had no concept of house-keeping. Over-flowing garbage bags filled with maggots on balcony? check. Floor covered entirely with dirty construction clothing? check. Baby playing with a lighter? check. In its mouth? check.

I also had to go to court for her and was ostracized at school for being difficult too reach during group projects (like case #1 except I know she isn't dealing with an extreme situation and can communicate quite efficiently with her blackberry). I lost interest and confidence in school, activities and people, making for a very depressing and lonely scholastic year with a few glimmers here and there.

Despite going through all that, my mother criticized my inadequacy in being able to act like an adult before, during and after the whole ordeal and by constantly playing the guilt card.

I wrote both these people letters, one longer than the other but both containing the same sustenance. However now I am a bit regrettful, should I have just shut my mouth and bit my lip for a few more days until we all cooled down and things resolved by themselves?

How does an adult deal with these kind of situations..

That must be why I like crafting and art making so much, you create your own reality and the concept of time does not exist. Nothing else matters when I'm drawing, knitting, felting, practicing calligraphy, sewing conductive thread, upholstering, taking analog photographs, making books etc.. I can honeslty say I am the happiest when practicing these. Unlike other aspects of my life, they make me feel like there is hope.

rusty wrist

Sigh... I've proven to myself once again that I need to always draw to keep my skill developing, otherwise I fall a few steps short and need to start it all again.

Apparently to be a genius at anything you need to clock in 10,000 hours of it which can be narrowed down to 3 hours a day... FOR 10 YEARS. Of course my first thought after hearing that is if I do 6 hours a day it'll go down to 5 years, that's alright, I'll be 31 by then.. oh god.

I've noticed since the drawing course in Italy last year I've lost most of my patience when drawing, I rush into it whilst I used to be so about the details it was meditative.

I've decided I need to be good at calligraphy in order to be a good designer.

I'm also fantisizing about going into fashion designing and being able to sew any kind of clothing I wish.

For that I've decided I need to know how to draw fashion poses and garments. Specifically I've been thinking about drawing models that are plus size as it seems right.

By making a decision now and sticking to skills set I need to develop, who knows, I might be a somebody whose face you don't know but whose name you can't forget. ha!